the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
