I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
