I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
