Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
