I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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