Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
