Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
