i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize