I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
