I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
