I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
