I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize