Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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