I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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