Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
