mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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