I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
