Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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