Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
