SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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