booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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