it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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