This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
