I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize