Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
