I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
