i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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