Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize