I need help removing her.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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