Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
