Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
