I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
