If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
