Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
