Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
