Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
