I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize