her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
