i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
