Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize