Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
