I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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