the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
