I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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