Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
