I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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