Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
