my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
