Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
