dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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