I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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