Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
