home. puking in laundry basket.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
