I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
