He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
