that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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