Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
