i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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