Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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