Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
